Posted by: Joy | September 19, 2008

A few months of Wednesdays

When I was planning our wedding (10/06 until 07/07), I found an online community in the form of a message board for same-sex wedding planners. This space, the connections and the feedback I received from the other women involved were invaluable to me during that time. I even met with some of the women IRL and have a great friendship out of it. After awhile the website created a Same-Sex House.holds board and many of us transitioned over there. I’m not to frequent a visitor (now that the wedding obsession is thankfully over) but I do pop-in to read others posts from time-to-time and try to make a point of participating in our weekly check-ins related to PCP (pre-conception planning) and TTC. Many times we have a question that we all answer, but we also just share information and encouragement. I recently went back through and copied as many of my Wednesday posts as I could find and it was fun reading over the note-worthy moments in this journey thus far.  Here they are:

Donor Question: We had very specific and rare racial and ethnic mix we were looking for. One bank has it and others that would be okay for seconds. We’re planning on buying 12 vials and doing our best to get 2 kids out of it.

AFU: We keep chugging away at our primary PCP goal of saving the funds. We’re about a quarter of the way there. This week I searched the message boards at the cryobank and found a woman’s post from back in Feb. (including her email) that had been using the donor we want to use. I emailed her out of the blue (kinda awkward) and she emailed back saying she’s 8 months pregnant and included his audio profile. She’s in a same-sex relationship, so if we do use and succeed with this donor our child(ren)’s half-sibs would be raised by at least one other two mom families. My only concerns are that she used IVF (which I know could be a personal decision and not have a direct correlation with my odds of success, but still) and that she her partner are both white and they don’t feel that race matters. I disagree, but I’m really happy for them and the fact that she seemed very nice. I’m doing some more reflecting on what half-sibs raised so differently than ours will be like if/when we decide to have contact.

Anyway, so I listened to the audio (C does not want to hear it) and it only confirmed my desire to use this donor. I also think that with some detective work I could find the donor before our kids are 18 (he’s an open donor), not that I’m planning to, but I think I could. I recently joined the DSR yahoo group. Although our bank has their own DSR, and the main one therefore doesn’t have any listings, the list serve is an interesting way to hear about issues/discussions related to donor sperm and siblings. C’s not sure if she’s okay with our kids connecting with their half-sibs, I think probably make online connects and then play it by ear to see what happens as far as meetings, etc.

I’m also obsessed with checking our desired donor’s available vial status. I want to not care as much but if it drops below “25+ available” I’m whipping out the credit card. The longer we wait to buy the more free storage we get, but the more risky it feels.

Thanks for reading my novella!

This week we completed our pre-purchase account requirements at the bank, so technically we could buy our sperm any time now. We also reached a quarter of our total goal in our “TTC savings account.” It looks like we’re on track to buy our vials by January (Happy New Year!) although we still won’t start ttc until next fall. Just 12 months left! It seems like a long time still, but I know it’s going to go by quickly, especially once my grad program starts (later this month) and we get closer to being able to move. Right now most of my focus is on financial planning and getting ready to obsess about real estate.

This was a big PCP week for us!

Update: I had appointment on Wednesday with my new an Ob/Gyn. C came with me and it was great! The doc loved that I’m a doula, let me talk first and included C the entire time. If I weren’t intending on having a home birth, or if anything changes and I need Ob care, I would definitely use her. She also signed our form (the cryobank specimen release authorization) and I mailed off the packet. That was our final steps for enrollment. As soon as it’s processed, we’ll be ready to buy (well as soon as we have the money saved up!)

Also, on Monday I was procrastinating by browsing our bank’s (new) site and started looking at prior “donor of the month” pages. On one, our 1st choice donor was listed!!! It was crazy, I was suddenly able to see his baby picture (OMG!) and get a bit more info that’s not in the short profile. They also now list vial availability. This is reassuring in a way, but it’s also something (else) to obsess over. (i. e, “Did they sell it all yet!?”) This new info just makes me want to buy all his additional profile items, but I also don’t want to get too attached until we have more of our funds in order.

In related PCP $ news, we have been shifting to frugal living and saving as much as possible with a goal of buying ASAP, ideally before the new year.

QOTD: How did you decide who will carry? Similar to Mrs. F in desire levels and K******* in partner “I am so glad it is you and not me” feelings. Christine hates medical stuff (even sitting in the room with me this morning made her nervous) so it would be terrible for her to be carrying. Lucky me! I have been asked if C would carry if for some reason I cannot get pregnant, but no, we would move on to Foster/Foster-to-Adopt (which we most likely will do after 2 biological children anyway).

Paid off the cc today. Now any extra money is going straight into the “sperm savings” (or “seed money” to borrow Mrs. F’s pun!)

QOTD: a) Are your parents anxious to be grandparents?
Not anxious, no. My mom is young, but having a grandkid will remind her that she’s not that young. C’s mom will love another grandchild (C’s brother has a 2 yo daughter). I’m really excited about my nana (mom’s mom) being a great grandmother.

b) Do you anticipate some clashing with regard to parenting style? Perhaps. C’s mom can be quite strict but also likes to spoil (odd combo, imo). My mom is quite liberal and will be the “fun” one, but unfortunately may not fully enforce our rules. Hopefully everyone will respect our style…

Updates: I started POAS (OPKs) and doing morning saliva microscope for ferning this month. Just making sure that I’m ovulating ; ). If/when I’m not doing regular overnight shifts (shelter and then postpartum doula work) I’ll start temping too.

C and I are/should be paying off our last credit card balance in August (intro 0% interest ends) and then we will begin saving. As soon as we reach our goal, we’re going to buy the sperm (12 vials=$$$). I’m hoping that it’s within 6-8 months and the sooner the better. I obsess about the possibility that the donor we want will sell out and we won’t be able to find another perfect match to C.

QOTD Answer: We  have been letting people (who ask) know that we’ll start ttc next fall. Once it gets closer and esp once we start trying, we won’t be specific until I am actually pregnant. We will most likely tell my mom and nana right after BFP and then after the 10-12 week mark we’ll start telling other family and friends.


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